Just moved into my own apartment. Welcome to my life in books.

Let me know if you recognize any!

One thing that surprises me is how much California seems to be idolized on tumblr, into some celestial paradise of dreams, palm trees, beaches, and endless youth. I moved to the coast of southern California nine months ago now. It’s a good place, don’t get me wrong. But you have your fears, problems, anxieties, and vices wherever you go. I certainly have more than my fair share. I don’t mean to depress by this - my point is that your fears and problems can be overcome wherever you are. Your life can be a bright flare of youth and happiness whether you’re on the California surf towns or stuck in suburbia. Happiness does not come from a place, believe me. It comes from within.

My friend asked me two things at work today. First, he (very unexpectedly) sent me the article “How to win a culture war and lose a generation“ by Christian blogger Rachel Evans , who seems to be a very smart, intelligent young lady. He asked for my insight, since I identified as Christian. This was what I said.

I used to.

I’ve told people I’m on something of an (ironic word choice) “sabbatical” from Christianity. That being said, the article is very right. Rachel is obviously an intelligent young woman who reminds me of my friends back in school. Most of my best friends in college were from my Christian group, which I was part of for all four years. Even within the group there were schisms regarding homosexuality. The one thing everyone agreed on was that regardless of orientation people deserved utmost respect and greater than anything, our love as Christians. When it came to the political issues, things were more complicated. Some, like my friend ‘J’, were completely supportive of the LGBT community. Others, like ‘W’, loved people but still believed it was wrong, a sin, and irreconcilable with the Bible.

 The only insight I can give is agreement with her. The issue is extremely divisive within the Christian community, and the lack of acceptance is driving many - myself included - to back away from a faith once held dear.

I was driving and thinking today, and my mind fled to a debate I’d had in my last year of college with some good friends. The old question of whether Christianity and homosexuality could exist together. Or whether they were entirely mutually exclusive and one had to preclude the other. 

As I drove down the California highway and “Holocene” echoed around me, I realized that in that day, when I had approached that question, I had gone about it all wrong. I had been looking from the entirely wrong angle. 

The truth of the matter was, it didn’t matter at all.

It didn’t matter at all whether some people interpreted Christianity as being completely condemning of homosexual relationships. It didn’t matter at all whether others read the scriptures, analyzing the new and old testament, and came to the conclusion that same-sex relationships could mesh with the Christian lifestyle. 

And it doesn’t matter at all because it is not a Christian’s job to judge whether something is right or wrong.

Luke 6:37 says “Judge not, and ye shall not be judged. Condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned. Forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.”

A Christian is called to do one thing: to love as Christ loved. Christ loved perfectly; we certainly cannot. We are crooked souls trying to stand up straight, and with our crooked souls we will crookedly love the best we can. And yet this dim reflection of Christ’s love is what it is a Christian’s job to emanate. 

It is not a Christian’s job to judge who is right and who is wrong. That authority is given to God and God alone, and when you have the hubris to attempt to take God’s authority as your own, that doesn’t end well. 

So I don’t give a damn whether you think homosexuality is right or wrong, and Christian or non-Christian, neither should you. If you call yourself a Christian, do your job. Love. And leave the judgement up to God.

I read. A lot.

Holy shit that was a good book.

Just another California sunset. Don’t mind me.

I miss Christianity.

I miss the friendship, the camaraderie, and the community. I miss feeling like I was part of something bigger than myself. I miss feeling like I belonged. I miss late nights with the best of friends. I miss talking about God, life, the universe, and everything else. I miss feeling like even at the worst of times I was being supported by something bigger than my problems. 

But I couldn’t figure out how to reconcile the two, so I had to let it go. And I know some people do, but I couldn’t. Sometimes it’s difficult, and I feel as if a part of myself were ripped away. But when I held on to both, the dissonance nearly tore me apart.

So I let my faith go. But I miss it sometimes. 

P.S. I was unreasonably thrilled that I have and wear often the exact same fingerless gloves that Don wears in the movie.

The movie was real.

I really didn’t know what to expect when I went in to see Blue Like Jazz. All I knew was that, at a certain time in my life, the book had meant a great deal to me. Though my thoughts on religion are - surprisingly like the protagonist of the film - very much conflicted, I still respected the book and its author, and I wanted to see how they had turned a book of musings into a story. So I went.

It’s difficult to sort out my thoughts on the film. But when I did, the first thing that came to mind was that it was real. If you’ve ever watched a Christian movie - well, for starters, I’m sorry. They’re usually sugary, sentimental, and end obscenely happy. Life is messy and muddy and slippery and rarely does any part of our lives end with a ribbon and a bow tie. Blue Like Jazz got that. Without giving anything away, the protagonist had a lot of issues with religion, with his family, and with himself in the beginning of the movie. At the end, though he had resolved some things, he still had a lot of issues. His life was still messy. There wasn’t no fade-out with dramatic, swelling music in the background. Life was going to continue for Don. Sometimes it was going to be great, and sometimes it was going to be really hard. 

What else is there to say? Blue Like Jazz alternated between comedy, drama, and some seriously awkward moments - again, surprisingly like life itself. But (and forgive me if I’m repeating myself) that’s what the movie’s greatest strength was. Despite some of its more fantastic moments, Don’s story could have been my story. Or anyone’s story. Switch out some of his conflicts for your own, alter the setting just a bit, and bam! You’re done. It’s the first movie I’ve seen in a long time that managed to seem utterly plausible yet remain thoroughly enjoyable.

To end this brief reflection - we all have our problems. God knows I have mine. Like Don, I know what it’s like to run halfway across the country to get away from something, only to realize that there is no escaping yourself. I’ve been there. I am there now. And like Don’s professor said, life has to be lived. You can’t escape it, you can’t evade it. You just have to face it. Blue Like Jazz took this, synthesized it, and presented it and a thoughtful, awesomely executed movie. Now do yourself a favor. Find the nearest theater its playing in, and watch it yourself.